Last Words

Death doesn't greet us like acquaintances rather it greets us unexpectedly. Death doesn't demand for a hello but its always associated with goodbyes. It's morbid to think about it but i do wonder why do people mourn the death of someone and what would anyone's final words would be. 

Death in my context doesn't necessarily mean literal death by the reaper but if you think about it, aren't we all actually dying day by day? I do believe that something or someone is the cause of our daily deaths. You don't realise it enough to acknowledge it but in the end of the day, you sort of just feel dead. A piece of your psych does die like skin cells exposed to the sun. Do you feel that way?

It also got me wondering on death. 

Why is it when someone passes, everyone, somehow feels the need to mourn the death of the departed? Is it because you were extremely close to that person during his days or is it out of spite, due to sociological factors that it is obligated we mourn a passing of a person? Think about it.

You cry your heart out at their funerals but you didn't express enough during  their days on earth. Is it because of the guilt that you didn't appreciate them enough to be there and express your fondness or the empathy you feel for their family and friends? 

Death is sudden and doesn't greet like an old friend. I strongly believe that if you do love someone or you care about them, give 5 minutes of your day or ask them out, trust me, it'll make it all better and if they do pass on, you won't harbour any last minute prep on what to express because all has been said. 

"Is this the last words part?" he asked.

"Last words? Last words of famous people are my favourite. Churchill's, "i'm bored with you all." Joan Crawford telling her praying housekeeper, "Damn it...don't you dare ask from God to help me." Pancho Villa saying "Don't let it end like this, tell them i said something." Emily Dickinson's "I must go in, the fog is rising." Oh or Oscar Wilde, "Either that wallpaper goes, or i go." 

In all retrospec, death is never easy and i'm not against being empathic to the departed but what i'm trying to say is that, before its too late do something about it. Don't forget to bring life in your soul if its becoming grim. Make yourself happy and it'll let reaper know to come back another day. 

That Someone

"Maybe, some people enter your life to create wonderful memories before they leave. It's hard to come to terms with that, whether they walk alive or dead. The only thing we can do is keeping that person alive in your memory as long as you can. That someone doesn't need to always please you like a lover, but they can make you happy. That someone doesn't need to cheerish you like parents but they can give warmth and they are always ready to protect you. That someone doesn't need to make you laugh all the time like friends but they can make you smile. That someone who you won't go into hysterics when they leave but they will always be in your memory forever"

Being Nice Paid The Price

"Remember, nice guys finish last". the last wisdom my uncle bestowed me before his passing. 

 Those words occasionally linger in my head every now and then, reminding me like a post-it that was taped onto the hard drive of my brain. I never really understood what my uncle was trying to say back then. One of the first traits everyone i know associates me with is 'nice'. Nice looking, nice hair, nice handwriting, nice. The word NICE seems to be the first thing anyone realises about my personality, like it was written on my forehead. Being nice wasn't something i developed rather it was a trait i was born with. From the days of a prepubescent boy, i was categorized as nice. Nice, nice and nice. 

 "I'd always have your back no matter what" i said to my best friends. 

 Being nice became a habit, a habit of being courteous, being gentlemen-like, to being, well, nice. I was comfortable with the term nice. The habit of being nice branched out into being soft-spoken, altruistic, trusting and above all, hopeful throughout the years. The word wasn't just a mere compliment but it became my identifier. Mr. Nice Guy. 

 From the days i began to understand life, fragment by fragment, piece by piece, i was led to believed that being nice gets you everywhere. Being nice towards myself, being nice towards others, being nice to other living creatures, even being nice to objects. The satisfaction that gleamed on my face when i accomplish to uphold the term each day started to dampen as i realised it came with a price. 

"I'll see what i can do to help" i replied in an assuring tone. 

 The price that came with being nice wasn't in the form of material. The price was bigger, more terrifying than i imagined it to be. When the bill arrived one fine morning, I was speechless and never in my life was i ever so lost for words. The glee on my face disappeared. The sparkle in my eyes dampen. The fire in my heart started to extinguish. It was a moment of realisation that those 4 words that occasionally haunts my recollections was true after all. Was i indenial all these years? Too selfless? Too absorbed in basking in the thank you's after every occasion that required me to be, nice? 

 I can't help but agree. 

 I weep. I wailed. I realise i cant pay the bill. I was stuck. For a moment there, i was absolutely brain dead. I had no idea what to do next. I moved around the room trying to make sense that what my uncle said was right. All along he was and i was too oblivious to believe it. I turned around and took a good look in the mirror. I understood, now, what he meant. At last, I knew what to do. I needed to change my look. 

 "Enough, you've never appreciated me, you only needed me because i was nice to you, the only one who was!" i screamed back. 

 The first day i erased nice off my sleeve was the day i felt superior. I know it's wrong to feel like a bitch, but it felt good to not be someone's bitch. I took off the necklace i was so proud of. I concealed the tattoo that stamped nice across my forehead. I drowned myself into morbidity and selfishness, not a stench of nice was on me. I was different, contrast to who i was. An abstract figure that i never thought would be concrete. 

I started seeing the world differently, although the world remained unchanged. For the first time, i felt more powerful, more angst, harder than i was before. It felt oddly, good. Mr. Nice Guy was gone. No more. Buried six feet deep down with his memories. I felt more enraged, more hungry to be the top dog.

 "..I feel so alone.." 

 The new found fame soon became a fallout. I lost friends, i lost trust, i lost almost everything. I sacrifice the years i invested in being nice into being a monster. Far worst, i lost myself. I never actually explained what the bill stated when it arrived that made me spiral out. It was grotesque. The bill was actually my heartbreak. Being nice caused my heart to break. Made the fire extinguish. Made the dream, a nightmare. The heartbreak took its toll for the worst as i began to understand life more vividly. I completed the puzzle, the piece i pick up everyday on life. My heartbreak, my realisation that being nice had its price was devastating. Being nice didn't mean to be soft-spoken or gentlemen-like but it meant to put others before you. Selfless. Altruistic. 

 The price it came with completely turned my beliefs a 180 degrees. Being nice allowed anyone to come in and anyone to leave. Being nice made me vulnerable. Being nice was not being able to let myself be above others. Being nice welcomed temporary figures. Being nice carried baggage, not just my own but everyone else's too. Being nice allowed the chance to deny the truth. Being nice fogs your logic. Being nice leaves you satisfactory but at the same time leaves you wondering. Being nice lets anyone take you for granted. Ultimately, being nice breaks your heart and that's when you know, being nice paid the price. 

Forever isn't always, Forever

It's funny how we conform into our bubble believing that some things in life are permanent, immortal and forever. In reality, forever is fictional, almost non-existent to any living creature that inhabits this mundane planet we call abode. Forever cease to exist within the boundaries of literature and art, nothing more. Ironically, our sentiments makes us believe that forever does exist, no matter the contradiction. 

 Forever, they said. Forever and ever and ever. Forever and Always. 

 I thought i knew what forever was, how long forever is and that forever is the promise made out of sentimental gestures. The word forever provides a strong support, almost as an embrace that is so tight and everlasting that regardless of anything, it won't be broken. For-ev-er, 3 syllables, lingers within with a warmth, a word rolled off the tongue with such assurance of it will always be alright. 

 They told me, from time and time again, "forever" and "ever" and "ever", and i believed it each time. I was foolish to believe it. One last time, i asked, "you promise, forever?" and "forever and always" was the reply. It didn't occur to me that someday forever had its end.

 The day i realised forever was never there to begin with, my world collapsed in a catastrophic chaos. My beliefs, all this while, was just an empty shell? How my emotions has devoted itself into being assured its nothing to be afraid of? Nothing lost? Nothing? Forever was really nothing. Forever never really meant to be forever. Forever was just meant to caress my insecurities, my fears into believing that it will be forever. Forever didn't mean shit, not to me anyways. 

The realisation hit me harder than anything can physically impact me. I was hopeful, naive to hold on to the concept that forever meant something, that forever DID exist beyond the stories i was told, beyond the movies i saw, beyond anything that was impossible made possible because i believed that forever existed in my realm. I believed in many things that made me intransigent towards the bad's of today. I was old-fashioned in a sense that i believed in love at first sight, i believed in miracles, i believed in being chaste before marriage and above all, i believed forever existed. 

 "Forever was a lie, you're a liar!" i screamed. 

 It's a giant lie, the whole lot of it. Forever was nothing more than an empty promise. I mean, come on, realistically, who could ACTUALLY live up to it? It's too permanent, almost rectifying the many odds of life itself. The promise made with forever dangled in the end are promises that don't last. It doesn't add up half of the time why it doesn't last as it should but at the same time it was fiction, in all its glory anyways. 

Forever never meant to last forever because forever was just too long for anyone to live up to it. Forever was the final saying of "yes, i'm all yours", "yes for a lifetime". i mean, really? 

 Forever was meant to give hope to the broken, to lead hopeless romantics like myself to believe that forever was more than it was worth. Forever was pure and simple, crystal clear of its concept to last for eternity. 

 Bullshit, forever was never yours to say or for me to believe in. Forever was meant to be in books, to keep a story alive for decades to come. Forever wasn't yours to comfort me with, forever wasn't mine to keep. Forever, a 7 lettered word you present me, out of spite with assurance that you indeed will be here, forever. Bullshit, forever was just an empty promise you decided to comfort me with. Forever, i don't believe in it anymore because forever isn't always forever, forever is full of it.

Goodbye

"It's so painful to say goodbye to someone you don't want to let go, but more painful to ask someone to stay when you know they want to leave" 

When somethings contradicts your beliefs and you whole heartedly deny the truth; there are some beliefs that you need to swallow; like a dry pill. Painful but a cure. 

There are days when i know we should part ways and say goodbye but there are also days when i know we'll be spending a whole lifetime together.  

Distance makes the heart fonder but i don't believe that's the case between you and i. You yearn to be free from my clutches but i got you wrapped tight. Maybe its time to part ways and say goodbye, but maybe it's time to reconnect and ask why's.. 

Truth

"In school they teach you how to multiply 9x8, make you read Macbeth and have you memorize the first 10 amendments of the constitution but they don't teach you how to stop loving someone when they've stopped loving you or how to deal with losing a friend to an unsaid goodbye or to a relative that has cancer that ate their brain away. At home i learned from my father that alcohol can make as many problems as it solves. But damn does it feel good to let my throat burn instead of my heart and to tune out problems in my head that i couldn't solve. Because life isn't 9x8 and it isn't the way authors describe their characters in a story, its those nights you lay awake missing someone wishing things could be different and it's the next day when you realise they can't and then it's how you pick yourself up after being down for so long. I taught myself that". 

18

Birthday's are definitely the time when you show appreciation and gratitude towards someone. Thanking them for breathing. Thanking their parents and ancestry. Thanking them for being a part of your life. 

Being 18 is somewhat a big deal for me even though i'm one to be in opposition to celebrate festivities, let alone my own birthday but somehow it felt important. 18 is not only the age where i'm legal (in my country) but also its the time that i start figuring out my next step into the real world. No more dependency. No more weekdays in school. Time to actually start paving my own dreams and rearrange the stars with my name in the skies. 

This year in particular the wishes i received from my family, best friends, and other friends and relatives were overwhelming. Filled with lots of appreciation and love towards my way. 

I'll share a couple of my favourite wishes here from various individuals that really made my birthday. Made me feel somewhat thankful to be alive. 

"HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY MY BROTHER FROM ANOTHER MOTHER SLASH BFF. Seems like just yesterday we were swimming together in baby pools and look at us now. We've been through a lot together both happy and sad and I'm glad that I had you with me throughout the years. You're an incredible person with ambition and dreams (that I'm sure will come true), and Ary you inspire me. I am in awe of how good of a person you have grown up to be, you have such a giant heart and everyone who doesn't realize that is obviously very stupid and blind. It's extremely admirable how you go out of your way to make the ones you care about happy, and I wish everyone would do the same for you. 2014 put you through a lot of shit but hey, it's a new year now and it's gonna be filled with new beginnings and bigger, better things. You are truly one of the strongest people I know and I want you to always remember that your big sister aka me aka also your BFF (I hope) is going to constantly be around to listen to your rants and to help you out with whatever, whenever. Thanks for everything Ary and here's to many many more years of friendship until our children and their children have no choice but to be friends too hahaha. I hope you have an amazing day ahead of you, make the best of it. You only turn 18 once ! Celebratory lunch soon, insyaAllah. Happy birthday ! Xoxo"  

"Happy legal day kentut! 5 years of farting and next thing we know we're living two mins away from each other haha. Hope you have a great day today and have an awesome 18th! Stay strong stay independent and stay blonde lol ok what hahahahaha. Hope we get to chill and have dinner tmrw, us trios. So yahhh 18 years old cannot be ngada anymore ah, big boy dy. Hahaha have a blast man! And oh you have to stop paying for me and start letting me treat you sometimes haha. SEE YOU TOMORROW BIJ BYE SLEEP TIGHT 👊"

"HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY TO THE BIGGEST BITCH ON EARTH (AFTER ME, OF COURSE)

We've gone thru kindergarten, primary school, high school together and now you're motherfuckin legal yo hahaha that was fast! 

You’ve impacted my life so much and I’m so blessed to have you in my life, there to support and be there for me every step of the way. I know i can count on you in anything and i hope you know that you can also do the same. 

We havent been talking much lately but i really hope we're not drifting apart or anything cause I know our friendship is stronger than that.

OK now, I sound like a broken record but yes I can't thank you enough for being my best friend. It is an honour to STILL be here by your side after 13 years, I love you so much. Happy Birthday again, see you later! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘"

"Hi! Good morning 😊 Yesterday i was waiting till midnight to wish you but as u know i fell asleep cause i cleaning my room such a louzy excuse but anyways happy 18th birthday!! 🎉🎊🎂 wow i only turned 17 literally 2 months ago now u're 18 well i guess i cant blame anyone but yeah thank you so much for literally everything especially listen to me rammbling about my friends or just literally about anything u are the only person that i deeply know cares about me (besides puteri) and i appreciate it so much.You've been there for me and u are more than just a cousin to me and i don't think i could have any better than that.You are the sassiest and most nicest person i've ever known i really love spending time with you.Okay so im gonna stop here or else its gonna be a long ass essay well happy birthday again and i hope you had a great day yesterday"

"Happy Birthday Ary!!! I really hope you have an amazing one we must go out again just you and me please like your bday last year omg hehehehe i miss you. Dont ever stop being yourself, youre an incredible person in and out and you must never let anyone make you feel otherwise. I love you bubz. You're sassy, you're smart, you're a goodlooking babe, you're one of the most kind hearted and strongest person i know. May Allah bless you, Azhary Azhar. Insya Allah ☺️❤️"

There is more for sure but those are the few favourites excluding instagram and facebook wishes. 

As for gifts, for me, the greatest gift anyone can give me is gratitude and appreciation. Include me in your prayers. Send me love. Instead of grand gestures, i'm more invested into receiving tearjerker wishes, warm and secure embraces and a constant reminder for how i've impacted your life and the difference i've made since both our worlds intertwined making it coherent.

Next, on my "big" day, i pretty much lived through it like a normal one. Just running errands and thanking each person for their thoughtful wishes. My mother thinks its absurd how i'm keeping it on a down low when its something to rave about.

Regardless of keeping it low key, i celebrated my birthday by having a small dinner with my family and 2 best friends. Made reservations at Beast, Intermark for 6. Mom, 2 brothers, 2 best friends and of course, me. Picked up both my best friends from work and made our way to KL. Traffic wasn't too bad for a weeknight. 

As we made our way into the restaurant, the waitress escorted us to our respective table. It was almost intimate because our table was practically covered by tall vases of floras and it was behind a counter. Its harder to explain here but it was almost unrecognisable. The atmosphere of the restaurant was very soothing, jazz music surrounded the space and the lighting was dimmed,  giving it the appropriate intimacy for us guests.

                 Mother and my bro's

       The bestest super friend, Ammar

  My oldest, enamouring best friend, Brina 

Food arrived but of course in between we took pictures. Pictures are evidence of any event as they say pics or it didn't happen. Both my best friends arent strangers with my family because they're like the extended version of it. It felt really good having loved ones around to celebrate a milestone of age. Not to my surprise my mom requested from the staff to sing me a happy birthday. Of course i was in no position to run or hide so i blushed my way through the song and smiled gleefully, even though the attention was overwhelming. 

To quote Jane Austen: 

"Surprises are foolish things. The pleasure is not enhanced and the inconvenience is often considerable".

                 Boom, i turned 18 

After dinner, we left and took pictures outside. The hotel was almost vacant as it was almost midnight. Of course, to make the night memorable we did have a little photo shanigan outside by the BEAST sign. It was hilarious. Polaroids went first and then we captured it on our phones. 

I hugged both of my best friends for being there, the tightest i could. It wouldn't be as great if both my tweedledum and tweedledee weren't around. (Fun fact: Sabrina, Ammar and I are almost inseperable, by choice. In school when one of us were demanded, we came by 3. We were a package).

The following day after work (this will

be another post soon), my dad and his girlfriend took me out for another birthday celebration. Ironically we ended up back at the same pub where i celebrated my birthday last year at Oasis, Damansara. My dad loves music and of course he found a place that was loud enough for the music to fill the room as the live band was performing. It was so loud that any conversation was either misheard or unheard. The sound of other voices were drowned under the sound of percussion instruments.

My dad is one to tie traditions tight but somehow that night he decided to plant a candle on my dinner. It was probably the only time i wished on a fish for my birthday. Neitherless it was great. 

The night was filled with conversations, good food and loud music. I wouldn't say it was laidback but in a way it was even though the surrounding was intense and loud. We took off around midnight.

As for today, after work, Asya decided to treat me for my belated. I declined the offer for a treat but i was definitely up for our little mission today. She insisted and persuaded. I agreed eventually. So after work, we made our way to TGIF at Parade. We werent exactly famished so we had desserts instead. 

            Asya or by birth, Syasya^

Stuffing ourselves with sweetness, we caught up and conversed into some pretty intensed topics and deep talks about life. We were also on a mission at TGIF, but i'm not allowed to classify any information as it could result my death. P&C. 

Probably after 20 minutes, to my surprise, a good old friend dropped by to say hi. I havent seen her since school

ended on Biology SPM day (Syasya on the other hand works at the same building as I). Dayana graced us with her ever so charming presence and gave both of us a tight embraced as she missed us. We talked for a few minutes as she had to make her way to celebrate her Abuela's birthday some place else. I'm most likely to see her during one of my breaks this week. 

           Mandatory catch up picture 

As for the rest of this week, i have plans with my cousin and my favourite senior and hopefully my god sister too. Really looking forward for to seeing them. I'm on work break on Monday till Wednesday so it makes it perfect to see all 3. 

I'd probably have to agree with you that my birthday was pretty good all in all. So blessed for the people in my life and around me. Thank you, God.

Lies

"For all poems written on the subject of unrequited love, there are so few on the pain of being the object of that affection. The truth is, its not love on which the strongest foundations are built, its the decency of merciful lies"

Self Introduction

First impressions make significant impacts. I am going to write 10 things about myself and it only seems fair that you get to know your blog superstar. 

              This is what i look like^

1. My full name is Ahmad Azhary bin        Azhar. I have a couple of nicknames. My family and friends refer me as Ary or Azhary. My best friend calls me kentut, monkey and basket. And a majority of people have a hard time pronoucing me name. 

2. I was born on the 5th of February 1997. Exact time would be at 6:53pm in SJMC. Took my mom 14 hours to push me out. I am a mere 172cm and i am full malay even though the way i look/act doesn't show it. I come from an Indonesian descent. I've been mistaken for Chinese, Indonesian, Philippines, Thai and British.  

3. Currently, i reside with my mother and 2 brothers. I am the oldest among my siblings. My parents are divorced but I still see my dad on weekends. 

4. The social media i have left is my instagram, facebook and ask.fm though i hardly use FB. Only reason i do keep it is to check on birthdays (i am sorry). Mostly

i am on Instagram and if you want to ask me stuff - go to my ask.

5. I get sick very easily. Usually i end up with high fever when i'm too stressed or when i participate in outdoor/extreme activities. The only jungle i can survive is the concrete jungle. I am NOT an outdoor person. I've been in the hospital at least thrice a year. 

6. I am a lover of all arts and fine things in life. I love reading, writing and binge watch movies/TV series. My favourite authors are Mitch Albom and Ellen Hopkins. I keep up with a lot of TV shows like Reign, The Originals, Glee, OITNB, Jane The Virgin to name a few. My all time favourite movies are Ferris Buellers Day Off, About Time, A Walk To Remember and Grease. I am a sucker for old music and movies as well. You can say i love to spend lavishly on fine dining and expensive clothes but the money i splurge is the money i saved up from my allowance. 

7. I am quick witted and sassy. I come

up with a lot of punch lines and most of the time i win in an argument. I'm not exactly shy but i'm not exactly outspoken, i am somewhere along the line. I love making new friends. I have horrible mood swings and i tend to be very emotional, (fact: i am very sensitive though i hate to admit it), i have a massive ego and i don't lower it just for anyone, if i do you must be pretty darn special. I make innocent things sound disgusting and perverted. I cuss like a sailor and i love to tease. When i'm close to someone, i tend to be clingy and annoying but my best friends do put up with me being needy (shoutout to Ammar, Nikki, Michelle and Sabrina). I can't swim and i HATE durian. 

8. I've only had 2 official relationships. I have entered the world of dating since i was 10. My first relationship lasted 2 years. My second one was almost 6 years though we have the on and off again situation. The rest are merely innocent courtships and flings. I've only truly been in love with one girl and i don't fall very easy. I am the dumper but i have been dumped twice. 

9. I am independent. Most of the time when i want to do something or go somewhere i don't depend on my parents. I like doing things at my own pace and i hate waiting. I am very determined and goal oriented. I am not very confident but i'm not afraid of speaking in public or go for interviews (fact: i passed my prefect interview when i was 13, i was selected for an exchange student program when i was 16 and i was the 5 from my state and i was also the school emcee for 2 years). I wouldn't say i'm intellectually gifted but i strive in language and reading subjects like English, History, Religion, Geography etc. I am not a gamer or am i into sports. The only game i play is the Sims. As for fitness, i like jogging and cardio work. My favourite sport is volleyball and i was in the school team in 2012. 

10. I love musicals, broadway, concerts and theater even though i can't sing or dance or act. I've been to a couple of musicals and it was pretty amazing. (fact: i've always wanted to be a dancer). The first concert i went to was Akon with my mom and my god mother. That's where my love for concerts begun. 

11. My passion for writing begun when i was 16 by watching The Carrie Diaries. I am an aspiring writer and i've had 2 of my articles published. One for a local newspaper and another in my school

magazine. 

That's 10 facts plus a bonus about me. What are 10 facts about you?

Welcome Home

With a new year comes with new resolutions and ideals for the upcoming months. This year however is slightly different than the others. I'm a high school graduate but i'm still waiting for my SPM results. I can drive legally. Most importantly, i am transistioning into young adulthood. 

As for this year, i am yearning to make a betterment out of myself and my environment. This year is going to be the year i'm finally free from my own demons. The year i am seizing for greater things and sculpting my future. 

I am now 18 and dazed at the moment. Temporarily i'm floating by the days and doing absolutely nothing productive. The thing i'm most looking forward to is my birthday. Being 18 is a much bigger deal than 16. I'm not sure why i'm really invested into planning an extravegant one this time round though i've never liked celebrating being a year older.

I'm also not working any part time jobs like everyone else as transport is an inconvenience from where i live. I swear i live at the end of the earth. My mom is paying me to run the house chores and play a partial parent and being her secretary and yes, i do get paid for being a domestic god. 

As for today, i was inspired to write a short story about a kid diagnosed with cancer and secretly fighting it without the knowledge of his friends or family. A little cliche but thats all i'm going to say. I'll post the story here.